From: Jess [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Subject: Your better life in the lab starts today!
First of all, let me congratulate you on your purchase of the Cybernetic Automaton for Laboratory Life Excellence, better known as the C.A.L.L.E 9000 – our latest and most advanced lab cyborg to date! C.A.L.L.E is the result of 15 years of paradigm-shifting engineering and synergy overflow collaborations. This C.A.L.L.E builds upon the success of the C.A.L.L.E 8000, C.A.L.L.E 6500, and of course the A.L.F 2000i but without any of the flammable components, intermittent loss of limb control, and murderous rages that you told us you disliked. Here at Better Labs Today, when you speak, we listen.
C.A.L.L.E 9000 comes fully programmable and can be set to run over 2,000 routine lab procedures like PCR, immunohistochemistry, western blots, flow cytometry, and analysis by microscopy. And of course, all forms of pipetting, buffer creation, and plate streaking. So give your thumbs a break.
Make lab life less laborious
But C.A.L.L.E 9000 goes beyond just manual assistance: C.A.L.L.E 9000 is built to offer a complete lab solution. The addition of our innovative “grin and bear it” (GABI) chip, coupled with industry-leading real-life-and-time face paints allow C.A.L.L.E 9000 to take your place at frustrating lab meetings, inconvenient conferences, and of course, budget and financial discussions. The days of wasting away in your chair, listening to others talk about mind-numbing topics, are behind you!
We also understand that you need to progress your research at the speed of life, and life moves pretty fast. You don’t want to be bogged down with things like writing grant proposals, submitting papers, and dealing with reviewer comments. That’s why we developed C.A.L.L.E 9000 to be capable of autogenerating all of this information for you.
Breeze through funding
Our GrantToday® algorithm autoselects the trendiest research area while making as many plausible links to curing the most topical disease of that week, using data pulled from over 270 tabloid headlines, and turns this into a document upto 20,000 words in length. That should secure your funding for a good few years.
Simple complex copy
The GrantToday® algorithm forms the core of C.A.L.L.E 9000’s Bamboozletron® code that takes your experimental results and turns them into a paper for submission that is so complex and difficult to follow, everyone will think you’re a genius. Bamboozletron® is so good that if your PI isn’t stumped by C.A.L.L.E 9000’s paper, we’ll issue you a refund!
Bring reviewers to heel
Finally, C.A.L.L.E 9000 uses our onboard CacophonousSycophant Processing Unit (patent-pending) to respond to even the most belligerent and clueless of paper reviewers with a ceaseless stream of placating flattery mixed in with intellectually convoluted responses. CacophonousSycophant has been shown to reduce ill-tempered reviewers to highly favorable emotional states that we at Better Labs Today describe as elated and quietly confused. You’d better get used to making zero revisions to your papers!
With C.A.L.L.E 9000 in your lab, the only thing you’ll need to really worry about is justifying to your boss that you’re even needed! Don’t worry though, C.A.L.L.E 9000 is fully capable of preparing and delivering a compelling case on why your boss cannot do without your invaluable contribution to the lab and of course, the entire scientific field. Look out, Science!
Here’s to autonomous solutions! Enjoy C.A.L.L.E 9000 and your better life in the lab,
Prime Content Architect, Global Sales Liaison, and Head of Cross-Vertical Experience
Disclaimer: Creators of C.A.L.L.E 9000 not responsible for loss of data, employment status, scientific integrity, or life. By using C.A.L.L.E 9000 you agree to receive twice-daily updates from our global sales and marketing onboarding team. By using C.A.L.L.E 9000 you agree that Better Labs Today (a subsidiary of GloboDollarDollar) cannot be held responsible for any unfavorable outcomes. Spontaneous fires and/or murderous rages may still occur if C.A.L.L.E 9000 is stored at 40oC +/- 10oC.
What do you think lab life will be like in 2149? Flying beakers? Self-aware multipipettors? Tweet us @abcam #lablife2149.